pitfall

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I don’t know who made this image but it is my life in a nutshell. I spent my entire teens and 20s in the underground cage and it’s taking more than a decade to climb out. The “vase” shape of the cage makes it extremely difficult to escape.

Daily Habits

I’m trying to establish the following daily routine.

  • wake 4:30 am, sleep 9:30 pm
  • do 108 bows daily
  • meditate 2 hours
  • write affirmations/goals/gratitude list
  • exercise 2 hours
  • study 8 hours
  • housework, errands 1 hour
  • other reading 2 hours
  • be vegan except for occasional dairy (e.g. ice cream, cheese pizza)
  • no internet use unrelated to study
  • fast one day a week
  • no anger/lust/negativity/laziness
  • take a 20 minute nap if needed

Fasting

This is not related to nofap or celibacy but I thought it was interesting.

In the past, I never thought of fasting because I wanted to gain muscle. I would force myself to eat chicken breasts, eggs, and tuna every day, and spend money on whey protein. Muscle gain is still important to me; I feel much more confident when I am bigger. By the end of this year, I hope to reach a decent bodyweight for my frame (maybe 80 kgs at 10% bodyfat). After that, i will put more priority on health, brain function, and longevity and start fasting once a week.

Masturbation/Porn and Levels of Consciousness

I found the map of consciousness calibrations from David H. Hawkins’ book “Power vs. Force” very interesting and I think it can be a useful tool. I haven’t read the book yet but I hope to soon.

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I recently found another chart that gives the level of consciousness of various ideas, statements, people, organizations, activities, countries, books, and movies. I don’t know if I accept all of the ratings: very different ratings were given to things that seem to have a lot in common, and very high ratings were assigned to people of high worldly position.

I couldn’t find “masturbation” on the chart but I did find “pornography”, “prostitution”, and “hedonism”, which were rated 100, 140, and 180 respectively. I’m not clear about how the words were used here: I don’t know if “pornography” refers to viewing or producing the material (or both), I’m unsure if “prostitution” means being a customer or provider (or both), and I’m uncertain about the exact behaviors/attitudes that are being referred to by “hedonism”. I think masturbation would be around 125 to 100 because it wastes time, energy, health, and nutrients, it is driven by lust/addiction and the resulting dissipation/degradation could lead one to fall even lower to fear, grief, apathy, guilt, and shame, conditions I was all too familiar with as a chronic masturbator in my teens and 20s.

Masturbation and porn probably have nothing to do with the higher levels of consciousness (200 and above).

To raise one’s level of consciousness they should stop doing things that are low consciousness (e.g. masturbation or viewing porn) and start doing things that are high consciousness (e.g. praying, reading spiritual books, listening to good music, helping people).

Meditating Three Hours a Day

Yesterday I started meditating three hours a day. I did two 90 minute sits, one after waking and one in the afternoon. It was very difficult sitting for 90 minutes at a time, the longest I sat before was 80 minutes. My mind was slightly calmer but I didn’t notice any dramatic effects. I plan to add one more 60 or 90 minute session before I go to bed to make my total daily sitting time 4 or 4.5 hours.

Also important is keeping “nomind” for the rest of the day and not thinking about the past or future or getting carried away with interesting stuff on the internet.

I plan to do a home meditation retreat in the next few weeks where I am sitting six or more hours a day. I really want to make some meditation progress. I’ve been meditating almost daily for 15+ years with little noticeable progress and even a vegan diet and nofap/celibacy didn’t seem to help much in this area. I’ve been reading stories and watching videos of people describing their spiritual experiences and I’m inspired by them and happy for them, but I’m also envious and frustrated at my own lack of progress. I searched YouTube for phrases like “my enlightenment story” and watched the videos of normal-looking people–not monks or yogis–describing incredible spiritual experiences. I really want to have a similar experience so I plan to increase my sitting time and get much more serious about meditation.

Started weight training again

I wasn’t able to lift weights for a few months due to a shoulder injury. I did simple martial arts workouts instead but my muscles were getting weaker. Due to the injury I can’t do upper body push movements but I can still do pulling movements like chin ups and dumbbell rows. I can also deadlift. I really hope this injury goes away as I want to reach a good level of muscle and strength while I still have the testosterone.

Waking up early

I always had difficulty waking up early. But for the past 3 or 4 days I woke up at around 5 am and slept at 8 or 9 pm. I didn’t take any naps either. This was without drinking coffee; coffee doesn’t seem to help me stay awake although I like the taste. Controlling my sleeping schedule feels awesome. After waking up early I meditated, cooked proper meals, cleaned, and it was still early morning.

This might not be much of an accomplishment for a lot of people, but for me it was great. Even with years of nofap I had difficulty controlling my sleep schedule.

I had to stay up all night yesterday so I think my sleep schedule is messed up again. But I will try to get back to waking up early. If I am able to keep my new schedule I think I will basically have my act together. I think waking up early or being able to control your sleeping hours is as important as sexual self control to health and self-improvement.

Brain fog, Body fog

Since childhood, I suffered from brain fog and body fog. This was even before I started masturbating at age 16. My mind never felt very sharp, clear, or energetic when I was young. I read a lot of novels but beyond that my mind was mediocre, sloppy, lazy, and shallow. My body fog symptoms included dyspraxia, weak/slow muscles, and drowsiness. I also had frequent nosebleeds that would last for minutes.

The fogs worsened drastically after I started masturbating, I was rendered a semi-invalid. I couldn’t focus on any text beyond magazines, comic books, and novels. I never improved in running or weights despite regular training, and I was extremely passive, shy and lacking in social confidence. In addition, a fog in one area would affect not just that area but also the other aspects of my functioning.

I didn’t make progress in anything in my teens or 20s; in fact I degenerated. I studied a useless social science at university and my grades were not good enough for a decent grad school so I didn’t even apply. My muscle mass and lifts never went beyond beginner level despite years of sporadic training. I was too shy and scared to work at a job related to my major so I took dead-end office jobs where I didn’t learn anything and got bullied by middle-aged men. I had no real friends or girlfriend although I desperately wanted them.

After I quit masturbating, the fogs slowly lifted. I was fully celibate for 3 or 4 years before the brainfog started clearing. I think daily meditation helped a lot in clearing the brain fog. The body fog (dyspraxia/weakness/drowsiness) lifted relatively quickly, in about a year.

I don’t know why I had those fogs in the first place. Were they from some tangible cause like malnutrition or loss of blood? Or were they a part of the “bad energy” package I received from intergenerational or past life karma. With celibacy and a decent lifestyle, I am working to be free of them for good.